This particular post is geared towards those who are currently dating and trying to establish long term relationships. It is based off of what I learned from the book How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk, by John Van Epp PHD.
With any close relationship, but especially romantic ones, one of the pillars of the relationship is trust. With trust we feel a sense of ease and safety, without it we find ourselves anxious and tense. Developing this trust with a partner is essential before you commit to them and build a life together. There are a few things however that we need to appropriately build trust.
The first thing we need is to know the other person. This involves knowing general things like their favorite restaurants or what genre of movie they usually watch, it involves knowing deep things about them like what their biggest dreams and personal values are, and it involves knowing about their past for example why their previous relationships ended and what their family was like when they were growing up. Without this knowledge we can’t answer questions such as, are we moving towards compatible life goals, what relationship patterns should I watch out for, and what things is my partner likely to be sensitive to. Gaining this knowledge involves careful conversations and time spent together in multiple situations.
The next thing we need to establish trust is time. Unfortunately it takes about three months before we usually start seeing our partners flaws, bad habits, and true nature. Before then it is easy to put on a good face. Without sufficient time, you will not be aware of all the potential strengths and weaknesses of the person you are dating. There really is no other substitute for time.
The lasts thing we need in order to have an appropriate level of trust is the ability to see important patterns and warning signs. Everyone has an occasional bad day or a small bad habit or two, but after you’ve spent enough time to get to know the person, watch out for some of the following red flags:
- Your partner consistently misses dates or cancels plans last minute.
- Your partner considers every one of their past dating partners to be crazy.
- Your partner has cheated on multiple past partners.
- Your partner frequently makes hurtful comments about you.
- Your partner devalues your feelings, especially about things they’ve done or said.
- Your partner is rude to their family.
- Your partner is disrespectful to strangers.
- Your partner has ever become physically aggressive with you.
- Your partner has lied about many small things.
- Your partner punishes you in some way when you do or say things they don’t like.
These red flags are usually a good indicator that you should not trust the person you are with. Some people overlook these red flags or purposefully ignore them because them feel an emotional connection with their partner. This often leads to misplaced trust. If you see a pattern of problematic behavior, it is not likely to change and you will find yourself in a cycle of disappointment. If you cannot trust someone, then it is best to terminate the relationship or you will find yourself falling in love with a jerk.
Craysy Life 