It has been a little while since I’ve wrote, but don’t worry, I just took a little break for finals and the start of a new semester.
As I read about how to strengthen communication skills with those around you, it strikes me that the simplest tools can be the most underused ones. We often hear that we should practice active listening in order to understand others, but how can we let know that we really do understand them? This is where the simple but effective tool of reflecting can come in.
Reflecting is a listening tool that can encourage others to continue speaking, help them feel heard, and allow them to clarify themselves. The simplest way to explain what reflecting is, is that you are taking what the person is saying and extracting the core message and “reflecting” it back to them. Reflecting is especially useful in situations where you are trying to help a spouse, loved one, or friend with a personal problem. An example of reflecting can go as follows:
Person A: My son is driving me crazy! He thinks that any time I ask him to do something I’m being abusive, and that any rule I have is to ruin his life. Gettin him to do homework and chores is a nightmare and he is constantly whining and complaining.
Person B: It seems upsetting and frustrating that he isn’t understand rules and responsibilities.
In this example person B reflected back the core message and feeling of what person A was saying without simply repeating their words or adding things that they didn’t say/imply.
Why can this be better than asking questions? Asking questions about how someone is feeling can be very helpful in some situations, and lets them know you are listening, but sometimes these questions can be hard to answer or can only amplify their feelings. For example asking your spouse how it felt when his boss yelled at him can lead him to stew in his feelings even more or he may not be able to tell you what his feelings were in more detail. Reflecting what he said back to him may give him the comfort of knowing someone “gets it” or give him the chance to work through his feelings by hearing his thoughts said out loud.
Like all skills this one requires practice to become natural. Try using it with loved ones in a simple way during conversations by reflecting just one part or feeling back to them until it becomes second nature.
Craysy Life 