Relationships with in-laws usually seem to go one of two ways, you can form a loving and friendly relationship with them where they become secondary parental figures to you, or they are your enemies, undermining you at every opportunity. The media usually portrays the second scenario, especially when it comes to mother-in-laws who are seen as over bearing and meddling. A healthy and friendly relationship with your in-laws is much more likely than popular media would suggest, but it does require a bit of work and boundary setting.
The first thing for both spouses to remember is that your relationship with your partner has to come first. From a christian stand point you are commanded to “cleave unto [your] wife (or husband) and they shall be one flesh”. Cleaving means keeping special or separate from other relationships and involves prioritizing that relationship above all others. Even if you are not religious, your spouse is the partner that you chose to spend your life with and can be your greatest source of strength and companionship long after your parents have gone. Too often, one or both spouses are too dependent on their parents for council and comfort. A well meaning parent may give biased advice or opinions that damage your relationship and you can miss out on the closeness you could have with your partner if you had turned to them for help. If you find that your partner is running back to mom and dad every time you have a disagreement, or when they need comfort or advice, it may be time to have a heart to heart with them about how to strengthen their trust and connection with you.
Another key point is setting appropriate boundaries. Both you and your spouse will always love and appreciate your parents, but now that you are married you have to balance spending time with both families and creating your own traditions. While your mom may want you over for every thanksgiving and Christmas, and his dad wants you to buy a house in their neighborhood, that’s probably not realistic. As a couple you need to decide how to divide holidays, how much contact to have with both families, and what traditions you want to establish in your own home. This is especially important if there has been abuse in one of the families, or if one or both sets of parents are having a hard time relinquishing control of their child. Once you have worked out what works for your family specifically, it is important to remain loving but firm with other family members.
I was extremely fortunate to have in-laws who I love and get along well with. They have been supportive without being intrusive. My husband however was not so lucky. While he loves my parents, and they love him back, there have been a few difficulties to work out. I have had to learn what is appropriate to share with my mother, who often wants to know everything that is going on in any given situation. We also had to evaluate how much time to spend with my side of the family. It can be overwhelming for my husband to be around my nine younger siblings and extended family. They often expect us to be at every family event, but we’ve had to establish some boundaries. We don’t have the time or the money to travel three hours to be with them for every family gathering. Even if we did we would still need time for ourselves. It has been a great learning experience for me to navigate these relationships.
Craysy Life 