As my husband and I go through the adoption process there have been a few things that people have said that have gotten under my skin. I understand that the people who have made these comments don’t mean to offend, so I don’t really hold it against them, but their comments underline a problematic attitude. My husband and I are not looking for a baby or a toddler. We are looking for a child that is about 4-8 years old. We are also adopting from the foster care system. When I have told people this I have gotten a few comments such as
“Well if they have a baby available won’t you try to get it?”
“Older kids come with a lot of problems”
“You’re not going to be able to change a kid that’s already set in their ways”
“They won’t really be as attached to you”
All of this when we’re not even adopting a teenager! I understand that adopting a slightly older kid is going to be a bit different than adopting a baby, but here’s why these comments are wrong. First, we have the resources, talents, and abilities to really help a kid and kids in the system need much more help than infants. Infants literally have waiting lists for them, and yet once a kid turns about 5 or 6 they may have to wait for years to be adopted, if they even get adopted at all! Why wouldn’t I try to help where there is the most need? Second, all kids come with problems! If I adopted a baby or had my own biological child, they could still grow up and have emotional and mental problems. That’s just life. If you’re not willing to risk having a kid that develops problems, then don’t have a kid at all, adopted or otherwise. Third, all children need love. No child deserves to be in the system NO MATTER WHAT. This isn’t about me getting my dream child it’s about me trying to give a child the home they deserve. Fourth, no matter how old a child is they can still form a healthy attachment to you! That attachment will not happen as quickly as it would if you carried that child in your womb, but with work it will still happen and it will be just as deep and as valid. Take my step dad for example. My mom started dating him when I was already 15 or 16 and they got married when I was 17. I was already a teenager! And yet, I have formed such a strong attachment to him, and I have no problem calling him my dad. All it took was him loving me.
If you have made these comments I would like to say that I am not trying to shame you, I understand the ignorance around this issue and know you didn’t mean any harm. I love you and thank you for all of the ways you have already been supportive of us. All I am asking is that you educate yourself a little better and try from now on to break the stigma against adopting an older child, and adoption in general. I have no doubt that we will have as much love for our adopted child, no matter the age, as we would have with our own biological child. I also know that I will work as hard as I can to give that child love, safety, and security. If one good thing has come from these comments it is that it has made me even more determined to adopt an older child, because I see how prejudiced society can be against them.
Here are some adoption resources that you can explore if you are interested in learning more about adoption:
https://providentliving.churchofjesuschrist.org/lds-family-services/adoption-resources?lang=eng
The movie Instant Family (disclaimer, the paperwork process shown in this movie isn’t 100% accurate, but I would say the emotional rollercoaster and family dynamic/struggles is pretty spot on)
Craysy Life 