You Get What You Give

Work” by John Gottman, PHD. I highly recommend that you read it yourself, but the principles that he outlines in the book are 1 Enhance Your Love Maps, 2 Nurture your Fondness and Admiration, 3 Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away, 4 Let Your Partner Influence You, 5 Solve Your Solvable Problems, 6 Overcome Gridlock, and 7 Create Shared Meaning. I have already discussed a few of these in other articles. While reading this I was struck by a common theme, the personal responsibility we have to work on our marriages. It is only when we are putting in our best efforts that we will reap the rewards of a close and loving marriage. 

In the first two principles, Dr. Gottman focuses on the work we have to do to continue to get to know and love our partners. People change and grow, and if we’re not constantly learning about our partners and finding the good in them, we will find ourselves starting to drift apart.

In principles 3 and 4 he teaches about the work we should be doing to work with our spouses We must be willing to pay attention to them, respond warmly to them, and forgive them. As we help them feel our love for them, they will almost always reciprocate.

In principles 5 and 6 he discusses how much work it takes to solve disagreements or problems in a marriage. Some problems are perpetual differences in character and personality that simply need to be managed together. Other problems have a solution or an ending that we can reach by working together. When we take into account the different hopes and dreams we have as a married couple, we can resolve things without harsh words or anger.

In the 7th principle John Gottman shows us the effort we need to put in to really become unified in marriage. Married couples should have many common goals and values and should be a support for one another, but this can only be accomplished through intentional actions.

Even though an exceptional marriage may require a lot of work, it is very much worth it. A happy marriage can provide refuge from the hardships of life, it can help create strong children, and it is scientifically proven to be beneficial for mental and physical health. I know that my marriage is more valuable to me than anything else I can hope to aspire to.