According to a marriage expert John Gottman 69% of all problems in marriage are perpetual. What is the difference between perpetual non-perpetual problems? Perpetual problems are problems that are going to arise over and over again for many years or even the course of the whole marriage. These usually have to do with personality trait differences between you and your partner. An example of a perpetual problem in my marriage is that I hate clutter and my husband is a pack rat. I am never going to want surfaces to have many things on them and my husband is never going to want to get rid of many things. Neither of us are likely to change this about ourselves and to try and change the other person is ineffective.
Non-perpetual problems are problems that are situational and have a clear end point. This could be deciding where to go for Thanksgiving, or needing to buy a new car. It does not come up over and over again.
Most of us seem to have pretty good ways of managing non-perpetual problems. We can list out pros and cons of each situation and take turns listening to how each partner feels about something until a resolution is made and we can put the problem behind us. Perpetual problems however, are a whole other beast to tackle. These problems will not have an end point and will never truly be resolved. So what do we do? The key lies in understanding that many of these problems are not moral issues but preferences and that there can be some give and take between you and your spouse.
Take for example, my preference to have less stuff and my husbands to have more. My husband does not leave out gross or dangerous messes, and he is not filling up the house completely with stuff like a hoarder would, so I can see that it is not a moral issue but a preference. He likes to see his stuff and also doesn’t want to be bothered putting things away. I want everything to be put away and to not have any piles of things. We have both worked together to find a system that works for us both. He has agreed to put his clothes in the hamper and dishes in the sink without me nagging, and I have accepted that if I have a problem with how something looks I can clean it myself or I can let go and let it be a little cluttery. Even though the problem will never fully be “solved” we can have a very happy marriage in this in between place.
Craysy Life 