It may come as a surprise to some that in most marriages we and our spouses are asking our partners to show that they love us multiple times a day. You may think, I don’t remember asking my spouse to prove their love to me recently? While it’s unlikely that you said those words to them, it is highly likely that you were asking them with small actions and words whether they loved you enough to turn towards you or if you would be ignored.
The little comments or actions that I’m referring to have been called “bids for attention” by many marriage experts. Examples of these include remarking on something you see, telling your spouse something that happened during the day, gently touching an arm or a shoulder, or asking for an opinion on something. These little things individually don’t make a big difference, but added up over time, they can form powerful patterns. They are, in some ways, how we test our spouses interest and connection to us.
When there is a bid for attention, there are two options for a response. the person receiving the bid can either turn towards, or turn away from their spouse. Turning towards each other involves responding warmly and carrying on the conversation, or reciprocating in some way. Turning away includes ignoring or making a negative remark. When our spouse turns towards us, we have a brief moment of connection and emotional intimacy. It makes us feel valued and loved and can set a positive tone for our marriage. When they turn away from us we tend to withdraw emotionally and some distance or hard feelings may develop.
Now that we see the way these small interactions affect our marriages, we have a responsibility to start turning towards our spouses at every opportunity. This requires consistent small efforts to be fully present for our partner, and to reciprocate any bids for attention that they may send out to us. When our spouse comes home and starts talking about work, do we respond to them positively and ask questions, or do we ignore them or go uh-huh uh-huh until they’re done? When our spouse reaches out to touch our hand or arm, do we give them a quick squeeze or move away from them? Answering these bids for attention by turning towards your spouse can have huge positive impact on your marriage.
Craysy Life 