All parents dread it, “the talk”, “the birds and the bees”, and anything else we use to allude to talking to our children about sex and sexuality. A lot of parents will either avoid talking about it and just hope for the best or decide on an arbitrary date to explain everything about sex all at once. Neither one of these will be most efficient in helping your children understand healthy sexuality or avoid premature sex or pornography use. Here are some tips that may help you to have an open and ongoing discourse with your children about sex.
Don’t Shy Away from Using Exact Terms and Definitions
When our children are young, what words do we use to describe the parts of our body? I know many parents find it more comfortable to use cutesy or silly names for the different parts of their body that we would consider to be private parts. While this might ease discomfort on the part of the parent, there are a few things wrong with it. First, it teaches children that there is something wrong or shameful about these parts of the body. After all, if we can’t even say their real name then there must be something bad about them. Second, using fake names instead of proper terms may lead to confusion later on. When my husband and I were taking an adoption certification class the instructor told us a story illustrating this fact. A family that recently adopted a young girl want her to meet their grandmother who they referred to as “nana”. The child became very withdrawn during the encounter and seemed disturbed afterwards. It took a few days but eventually the family was able to figure out that “nana” was the word that her biological family had used to describe the vagina and hearing that word had brought back memories of abuse.
Use Your Children’s Questions to Determine What They Are Ready to Talk About
Every child is different, and every child develops at a different cognitive and emotional rate. Because of this, every child will be ready to learn things at a different time. When we predetermine when we are going to tell our children all about sex, we run the risk of telling them information too late, when they have already learned about it from sources that don’t. have their best interests at heart, or too early, when the child is not ready to absorb it yet. If your child comes to you with a sexual question, then they are probably ready to learn about what they are asking you about. Make sure to answer their question thoroughly, with correct terminology, and without making the child feel any shame about asking. That being said, it is best to stick only to the question being asked and not assume that your child wants to know everything about sex at that time. This method means that you will not have “the talk” but instead will have semi frequent small discussions about male and female bodies and sex. This has many benefits including them being able to go to you instead of friends or the internet to have their questions asked, and them learning at a rate that is more appropriate for them. If you are not willing to answer their questions they will probably learn from friends or pornography, even at a young age. The average age of exposure to porn is 8-11 years old.
Model for them Healthy Sexuality Without Being Inappropriate
As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, I believe that sexual intercourse is a beautiful gift that should be saved until after marriage. Even if you do not share my beliefs though, you would probably agree that you would not want your children to engage in sex early, and you would want them to wait until they are in a healthy and committed relationship. Too often sexual intimacy between married couples is thought of as gross, while teenage sex is glorified. The reality is that marriage provides the ideal setting for a healthy and wonderful sexual relationship. Your children should see that you and your spouse are still interested in each other physically and still feel passionate about one another. Don’t shy away from kissing, hugging, complimenting, and cuddling your partner. This will show your children that a committed relationship is more fulfilling than fleeting sexual encounters. There is a line that must not be crossed though. Never discuss private details of your sex life with children, fondle your partners private areas, make overtly sexual comments in front of them, and of course never ever engage in any sexual acts in front of them. This is completely inappropriate and can be emotionally traumatizing for a child.
Here is a great article from US News that further goes over why having “the talk” isn’t the most effective wat to teach children about sex: https://health.usnews.com/health-news/articles/2012/08/03/teaching-your-kids-about-sex-dos-and-donts
Sources:
Intimacy and the Purposes of Earthly Families. (n.d.). Retrieved February 15, 2020, from https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/manual/a-parents-guide/chapter-1?lang=eng
What’s the Average Age of a Child’s First Exposure to Porn? (2020, January 29). Retrieved February 15, 2020, from https://fightthenewdrug.org/real-average-age-of-first-exposure/
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